I have found myself indulging many of my deepest fears lately. As we make the conscious choice to step out of our conventional life and into the murkiness of something completely uncertain. Selling our home without a new one to inhabit has been pushing my edges with intensity. Most days I feel convicted. But lately, I’ve been swirling around in puddles of ‘what if’ and regret.
I have chosen to jump into a deep pool without being prepared and have been here for quite some time. There are times where I’m able to stay calm enough to tread water and wait for the way out to appear. My recent feeling has been more like I’m drowning; thrashing around looking for something, anything to grab hold of. I remember from my lifeguard training that when someone is drowning, they are fully under the influence of their amygdala gland, scrambling toward survival. Writhing around is not only an abundant waste of energy, it creates a situation where the people around the victim need to worry about keeping their head above water too, since saving oneself might be achieved by pushing another beneath the surface.
We choose joy. It is clear now that what I choose to focus on contributes greatly to my perception of the world. My emotional landscape is correlated to my ability to meet the world with myself. It is often that I am drawn into feeling like an external object can solve a problem. I have been seduced by our culture into thinking that it is the ‘thing’ – in this case my home – that will bring me happiness. Feeling between things means that I am forced to find inner security. We have created a situation where we are forcing ourselves to grow beyond materialism. I know from my experience over the past weeks that there is no room to indulge fear in my new landscape. I am happy to acknowledge it, thank it for it’s messages of warning, then to put it into perspective and ultimately set it free…at least temporarily, in favor of joy. Deep joy that is only possible from within. I just keep bringing myself back to the surface…again. and. again.